Life
Since moving to North Carolina, I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of life, and more specifically, the meaning of my own life. It seemed for a time that life had lost its meaning for me since I was no longer foolishly pursuing a doctorate at UH, a place that was wholly wrong for me.
But even deeper than this, life had lost its luster because I had done just about everything that I wanted to do. Like a video game, I had gone through all the levels and gotten to the end of the game, and now I was just floating around, not knowing what to do next or what to look forward to.
What does one do if one has achieved one's goals, and the list of goals has run out? Did I peak too early? Perhaps, but I think the problem was one of perspective. I was living for something, towards something, and that was the problem. Once I had gotten to the last of the mountaintops, I looked out across a vast emptiness, with nowhere else to go. The boundary of my universe had been reached - or so I thought.
I thought long and hard about this, and despaired a bit as well. I kept going, of course, but I feared that with no grandiose plan, I'd wither and die due to the uselessness of continuing to exist. Like a retired person, would I die shortly after "retiring" for lack of something to keep me motivated?
I sought new interests, and my Harley helped a lot with giving me something to do that was new and different. I still adore it, but it wasn't the answer. It was just something that came out of my personality that had lain dormant for years. The over-arching dilemma of what to base my life on still loomed.
I think I hit upon the answer, or an answer within the last 4 months when I just stopped thinking about it. Instead of trying to create a goal that would only lead to more emptiness later, I realized the meaninglessness of goals. I need no more goals to keep me going. I think I can just exist now, without having the feeling that I must be moving in a certain direction. I suppose I am learning to be comfortable with just floating.
Another thing that I have learned to appreciate is enjoying my life more. I suffered for a long time in Hawaii in pursuit of that last big goal, and I think I did myself a great disservice. I lost touch with a fundamental part of myself, and I needed this nothingness since leaving Hawaii to help me realize where I wanted to be.
Where I want to be is where I am, both physically and metaphysically.
It sounds foolish and trite, but I am living "in the now," and I'm not striving for anything. I try to enjoy myself as much as possible, and I try to appreciate everything I have, though not in a desperate, clinging way.
Learning to just relax and BE - this is the way I am now, the way I chose to live my life. I may not be the "success" I sought for so long, but I realize that what I sought was all in my own mind, and what is in my mind can and should change over time.
And so now I am just enjoying the ride. . .
But even deeper than this, life had lost its luster because I had done just about everything that I wanted to do. Like a video game, I had gone through all the levels and gotten to the end of the game, and now I was just floating around, not knowing what to do next or what to look forward to.
What does one do if one has achieved one's goals, and the list of goals has run out? Did I peak too early? Perhaps, but I think the problem was one of perspective. I was living for something, towards something, and that was the problem. Once I had gotten to the last of the mountaintops, I looked out across a vast emptiness, with nowhere else to go. The boundary of my universe had been reached - or so I thought.
I thought long and hard about this, and despaired a bit as well. I kept going, of course, but I feared that with no grandiose plan, I'd wither and die due to the uselessness of continuing to exist. Like a retired person, would I die shortly after "retiring" for lack of something to keep me motivated?
I sought new interests, and my Harley helped a lot with giving me something to do that was new and different. I still adore it, but it wasn't the answer. It was just something that came out of my personality that had lain dormant for years. The over-arching dilemma of what to base my life on still loomed.
I think I hit upon the answer, or an answer within the last 4 months when I just stopped thinking about it. Instead of trying to create a goal that would only lead to more emptiness later, I realized the meaninglessness of goals. I need no more goals to keep me going. I think I can just exist now, without having the feeling that I must be moving in a certain direction. I suppose I am learning to be comfortable with just floating.
Another thing that I have learned to appreciate is enjoying my life more. I suffered for a long time in Hawaii in pursuit of that last big goal, and I think I did myself a great disservice. I lost touch with a fundamental part of myself, and I needed this nothingness since leaving Hawaii to help me realize where I wanted to be.
Where I want to be is where I am, both physically and metaphysically.
It sounds foolish and trite, but I am living "in the now," and I'm not striving for anything. I try to enjoy myself as much as possible, and I try to appreciate everything I have, though not in a desperate, clinging way.
Learning to just relax and BE - this is the way I am now, the way I chose to live my life. I may not be the "success" I sought for so long, but I realize that what I sought was all in my own mind, and what is in my mind can and should change over time.
And so now I am just enjoying the ride. . .
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