Palpitations
32 years old is no time to be thinking you are dying of a heart attack - not even in the maybe. Flipping and flopping about like a pissed-off weasle in one of those flimsy plastic pet carriers, tossed to and fro in some wildly turbulence-ridden airliner, my heart declared its defiance of me, and sought to create its own exit.
Sitting on the floor wondering if "this is the end", I was surprised by the very domesticity of my "final" thoughts: "How will the wife manage the expenses?" "I never got enough insurance to cover my debts!" I haven't finished BEING yet!!"
Turns out it was most likely a reaction to some crappy asthma meds I was on. No longer, I can assure you.
But this whole episode got me thinking that I spend entirely too much time doing stupid things. I know these are "necessary" for the kind of modern luxurious lifestyle I lead - of tv and chocolate, of compact car and commute - of pancakes on Waikiki Sunday mornings. What a monumental waste of space I am! But aren't we all? We are all hurtling through the cosmos willy-nilly like, not a plan or scheme to be had in any of it.
Sure, science reveals order and order is supposed to reflect intelligence, but I'm not so sure. Even so, this order, we clever apes have discovered, is leading to eventual destruction of everything in the universe. That's right folks, the universe is going to end with a whimper. Dark and cold, we will be scattered accross endlessness and be part of the big nothing - atoms strewn purposeless.
We create society, order, structure and boast about this or that lasting forever, but we have no clue. None of this will ever be permanent. Nothing will last forever in its present form, though the atoms that make it might be if they aren't sucked into a black hole.
The point I am seeing here is that we take all of this too seriously. We think this or that is so important, when in truth it is not important to anyone but us. We choose to think things are meaningful.
I suppose we need to get off our high horse and face the truth that we have been given a gift. Who gave it to us is the most idiotic question ever thought up - there is no ANSWER!! Anyway, this gift we are in possession of is the ability to awe. We notice and we notice that we are doing so. That's the nifty part! We can make order and struggle to create what we see fit for ourselves, but we can never take it too seriously, because the reason for order is appreciation. We need to have order in order to appreciate existence.
We are so inexperienced a species as to make us an embarrassment to those that came before, even though they weren't "aware". Apes with fancy tools is all we are, and we don't know how to use them.
Now we face WWIII and for what? Some assholes in some stupid books 600-5,000 years ago wrote some vague primitive words and we now kill each other over them? We are as primitive as ever, and it'll be a miracle if we survive ourselves. What a pity, and what a hilarious joke - that we come to this pinnacle of understanding, ready to comprehend the greater whole, and the very brains that got us here are going to cause our end. If it happens, I say we deserve it.
So I am thinking that I ought to read more - not to use my time more wisely or anything, but just to do something different. I feel like I am being removed from reality, from the world by all the fakeness we have created.
-What a load of shite!
32 years old is no time to be thinking you are dying of a heart attack - not even in the maybe. Flipping and flopping about like a pissed-off weasle in one of those flimsy plastic pet carriers, tossed to and fro in some wildly turbulence-ridden airliner, my heart declared its defiance of me, and sought to create its own exit.
Sitting on the floor wondering if "this is the end", I was surprised by the very domesticity of my "final" thoughts: "How will the wife manage the expenses?" "I never got enough insurance to cover my debts!" I haven't finished BEING yet!!"
Turns out it was most likely a reaction to some crappy asthma meds I was on. No longer, I can assure you.
But this whole episode got me thinking that I spend entirely too much time doing stupid things. I know these are "necessary" for the kind of modern luxurious lifestyle I lead - of tv and chocolate, of compact car and commute - of pancakes on Waikiki Sunday mornings. What a monumental waste of space I am! But aren't we all? We are all hurtling through the cosmos willy-nilly like, not a plan or scheme to be had in any of it.
Sure, science reveals order and order is supposed to reflect intelligence, but I'm not so sure. Even so, this order, we clever apes have discovered, is leading to eventual destruction of everything in the universe. That's right folks, the universe is going to end with a whimper. Dark and cold, we will be scattered accross endlessness and be part of the big nothing - atoms strewn purposeless.
We create society, order, structure and boast about this or that lasting forever, but we have no clue. None of this will ever be permanent. Nothing will last forever in its present form, though the atoms that make it might be if they aren't sucked into a black hole.
The point I am seeing here is that we take all of this too seriously. We think this or that is so important, when in truth it is not important to anyone but us. We choose to think things are meaningful.
I suppose we need to get off our high horse and face the truth that we have been given a gift. Who gave it to us is the most idiotic question ever thought up - there is no ANSWER!! Anyway, this gift we are in possession of is the ability to awe. We notice and we notice that we are doing so. That's the nifty part! We can make order and struggle to create what we see fit for ourselves, but we can never take it too seriously, because the reason for order is appreciation. We need to have order in order to appreciate existence.
We are so inexperienced a species as to make us an embarrassment to those that came before, even though they weren't "aware". Apes with fancy tools is all we are, and we don't know how to use them.
Now we face WWIII and for what? Some assholes in some stupid books 600-5,000 years ago wrote some vague primitive words and we now kill each other over them? We are as primitive as ever, and it'll be a miracle if we survive ourselves. What a pity, and what a hilarious joke - that we come to this pinnacle of understanding, ready to comprehend the greater whole, and the very brains that got us here are going to cause our end. If it happens, I say we deserve it.
So I am thinking that I ought to read more - not to use my time more wisely or anything, but just to do something different. I feel like I am being removed from reality, from the world by all the fakeness we have created.
-What a load of shite!
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