Who Have I Become??


There was a time when I would relish the opportunity to get out on my motorcycle at this time of the year, December, and ride in the cold to prove myself to myself that I am tough or some such ridiculous thing.
For a long time, I thought myself tough, wanted to prove it, and kept myself fit for the purpose of proving myself and being invincible, at least in spirit.
Then I turned forty. My father died the next day. I broke my leg real bad two months later. I had a major affair. I got divorced.
And for some unknown reason, I just don't really want to be tough anymore.
I don't see myself that way, nor do I even see any value in seeing myself that way or being that way.
If anything, it is a liability. I was a rageaholic for a long time. I got into situations that could have led to my death. I even got charged with assault!
Being tough does not work out for me. It works against me.
I think I just ran out of steam. I lost the desire to be tough, even remotely. Besides, how can I pretend to be tough when I can barely walk a mile without limping?
I don't work out and do not want to. I walk my dogs and that is about all the exercise I get.
I used to get into road rage incidents a lot. Now, I try as hard as I can to avoid anything like this. I am not always successful. This scares me. A lot.
I still have a temper, but it is a lot better these days.
My father made his identity about being the toughest man he knew. No one could defeat him. He beat the shit out of many, many people. He was a maniac when angered and a force of nature. He wanted me to always stay in shape and be ready for a fight.
Sometimes, I wonder if he would be disgusted at how I have let myself go.
His way does not work anymore. It winds you up in jail. It costs you your career. It costs you everything.
I wish I could be even less "tough" than I am even now. My temper might still lead to a major problem, and I am afraid of this.
I wonder if i am in a transitional phase in my life. Maybe I am becoming someone else for the next part of my life. I really don't want to be who I was before.
I don't want to be a tough guy, a passionate guy, and go-getter, unstoppable, etc.
I just want to be left alone.
Hell, I think I am turning into an old fuck (as George Carlin called it).
Young fucks pride themselves on being strong, tough, determined, great at everything.
I do not think this way anymore.
What I am becoming is unclear. Hell, I might even die.
What becomes of a man when he has no purpose?
I've been living this way since 2005.
I keep on keeping on, but I have no passion for anything, really.
I don't have passions; I have interests, passing interests.
The only constant in my life has been my love of helping people. I have not tired of this, even as I think humanity is doomed.
What a giant contradiction I am!
So I have to ask myself what I actually like anymore.
I like teaching, learning, interacting with my students, my dogs, fine fashion, whiskey, food, television, napping, and doing nothing.
I don't like traveling, loud anything, moving too much, passion, intrigue, or drama of any kind.
I wonder if this is normal for a man of my age.
I actually worry in a vague way that I am doing something wrong, that I ought to be running on a treadmill and doing push-ups or something. Then I remember that I don't care --most of the time.

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